im so over this.
im so over this.
It seems as though I only turn to Tumblr in times of turmoil. (alliteration much?) So much has happened since I’ve abandoned it. Recently I’ve found myself at the end of yet another relationship. These things are starting to get exhausting. I’ve been questioning why I ever indulged my desire for a deeper emotional connection. I never had these problems when I was younger.
When a relationship ends you kind of have to confront all the flaws that existed within it. You turn it over and over in your mind like broken piece of glass; following the cracks trying to figure out where initial chip began. Should I have left when he said this? What I if I had left instead of stayed? Was he done after the last fight and just didn’t have the heart to tell me. Breaking up is so exhausting. Especially when the break doesn’t come because of any grave sin on the part of either person. When you come to the conclusion that two people are no longer on a convergent path, what choice do you have but to break up. Try walking in one direction while tied around the waist to someone walking in the opposite direction. Even the springiest of bungee cords will eventually snap.
So I found myself at the end of my rope, so to speak. I love this man, but he’s just “not ready.” I’m still really at a loss for what that even means. I’m 24 years old I’m not asking to be anyone’s wife, but I do believe there is a certain level of seriousness that comes with time spent and life events endured. This man and I have spent more time than most and certainly endured our fair share of life events, so how is it that I was being expected to go backwards in the level of seriousness? I’ve spoken to various friends and close family members, all of whom have weighed in their opinions on this situation. Some have told me that it’s just a cop out and there’s another woman. Others have said he’s just young and young men don’t want to commit. It’s kind of sad to me really because this realization of his couldn’t have come at worse time. We lived together. I quit a job and moved three states to be with him. But now here I am with no job and living with my parents. It seems like such an uneven payoff for a relationship into which I had invested so much.
The most ironic part about all of this is that despite the fact that I wanted him and our relationship more than anything in the world, I’m the one who left. There’s only so much a person can tolerate. If I love you enough to commit myself and take you seriously and you tell me that you are unable to reciprocate, if I stay then I’m settling. I’m telling you it’s okay for you to not want me and love me in the same way. I kept my ego out of our relationship as much as I possibly could, but this was something I couldn’t endure.
Now there is all of the post break up drama. Do we continue to sleep together? Do we hate each other? Are you going to date someone else now? Is Cassaundra going to change ALL of your passwords? Will she physically assault the girl she believes that you are dating now? I have the answers to a few of these questions, but they probably aren’t the right ones. I wish there was some kind of break-up wizard. Type in the number of years dated, level of emotional connection and reason for break-up and up pops 5 easy steps for moving the fuck on.